It isn’t because you’re good. It isn’t because you’re particularly nice. It’s because you just got down to the problem and sorted it out.
–Author Terry Pratchett on how people triumph over adversity
I’ve been feeling a bit more depressed than usual lately, and I think I know why. It’s because everybody thinks they’re moving on, but they aren’t, not quite. I went back to my old college town today. (I’m back in California for what I like to think of as a working vacation.) Since I’m almost out of money, I couldn’t go on a shopping spree at my favorite old music & DVD/comic/bookstores like I normally do, so I just bought a cool T-shirt, ate lunch, walked around, then stopped by a café that was my favorite hangout spot in the four and-a-half years that I lived there. (I still haven’t found all the equivalent spots in NYC, although perhaps I haven’t looked hard enough.) The year after I graduated from high school, I revisited campus at least five times, for various reasons. It was nice to see people and catch up and all that shit, but it got old after a while. I haven’t been back there in almost three and-a-half years, I think. So I’m glad to have moved on, but it wasn’t quite a clean break. Last week in NYC, I told my roommate I was going to work even though my job had ended the previous week, then went back up to my grad school campus to hang out. I spent almost every day there for a year. I can’t just forget everything.
I try to get social events organized sometimes–which is unusual, as I’m not an extrovert. But the connection that everyone in my program had when we were in class together fragmented almost immediately after graduation. Some people are still hanging out with some other people, as would be expected, but I want to ask some of them if they were just there to get their degree. Frankly, that doesn’t seem like a good reason to go to grad school. You don’t have to make friends with everyone (I never even learned everyone’s name), but it’s silly to think (and I don’t care if this sounds corny) that the only thing that binds us is that we all went to school together. We hopefully share a common interest, a point-of-view, if you will. I told somebody that I’d made maybe two friends over the course of that year, and she reassured me that I had definitely made more than two. Oh, really? Because I spent the bulk of my summer hanging out with the same two people, if I hung out with anyone at all. Everyone else just fucked off, and I have no idea what most of them are up to. I wonder if I ever will.
I try not to spend too much time on Facebook. I probably spend less time on it than most people my age, but of course, that still means going on it an average of several times a day (at least). Some of the people who seemed to be on it more or less constantly during the school year are now on it barely at all. That’s their business. But I suspect they’ll be back. They’re on vacation, you could say. But old habits die hard.
If this blog is getting repetitive, it’s only because not much has actually happened in the last couple months, but I can’t stop talking. Let’s see, my computer broke down, I moved to Queens with a roommate I’m still struggling to get along with, and I need to find a job fast before my money runs out. That’s what’s going on with me right now. I’m not seeing the world, my boyfriend did not just propose to me, and I don’t have a bunch of exciting photos of my night out with the bestest friends in the whole world to show you. I should add, by the way, that I had nonstop diarrhea starting on Friday of last week. It’s definitely getting better. (At first, I thought it was the Mexican, but I think it might just be stress.) Point is, I came back from the They Might Be Giants concert Saturday night dog tired. I was stressed out from fighting with my roommate and dealing with finances and other shit, I was so tired from working out during the week that I spent most of the day lying on the floor with my eyes shut, and after having a pretty great time at the show, I collapsed onto my air mattress in the very early morning and slept better than I had in years. Honestly, I haven’t woken up feeling that refreshed since fucking 2009. It was surreal.
What has actually changed in the last few months? I’m hoping it’s more than I think. Because I am, as always, miserable. I hate my friends, I hate my unemployment, I hate my digestive tract, and as for my roommate…we’ll see about him. I think he wants to live harmoniously with me. I think he’s at least trying. So…there’s that? And The Daily Show is still treating the Anthony Weiner scandal like it’s the greatest thing that’s ever happened, even though, as far as I can tell, all that happened is that some politician sent pictures of his dick to random women and seriously who gives a fucking shit about that when the mayor of San Diego is a corrupt sex criminal and Egypt is descending into chaos.
Granted, I’m not expecting Weiner to win, but I have every intention of voting for him. People who think that his dick pics are more important than his policies or general attitude towards governance are missing the forest for the trees.
Anyway, here’s one of my favorite TMBG songs. The horn part is killer. Maybe next time, I’ll find somebody to join me for the concert.