C**t

I hate Nancy Grace. I’ve never watched her show, yet everything I see of her makes me think she’s a dishonest, self-aggrandizing twat. From her shrill delivery to her terrible sense of humor to her inability to cover anything of substance without making it all about herself, she’s a shrew of the first order. If she were any more insufferable, she’d be Sarah Palin. There is a woman who needs to just disappear. Then again, there is this story. If you like lowbrow humor or are amused by unusual fetishes, this is something you need to read.

I’m often amused by how deeply voyeuristic so many Americans are. When Charlie Sheen had his much-publicized meltdown, we followed it so closely that you’d think Bin Laden had died. I’m not saying it wasn’t entertaining. I’m just saying that when I walked by Hot Topic (I won’t go in there) and saw a shirt with the word “Bi-Winning” above a picture of the formerly successful actor, I decided the whole thing had gone too far. Honestly, doesn’t it get old to hear somebody spout incoherent, self-aggrandizing nonsense day in and day out? At a certain point, you wish they would just die and spare the rest of us from having to listen to their whining. I’m sorry, who are we talking about again?

The flip side of this is that as long as there are people who make their careers out of annoying the rest of us with their obnoxious, douchey behavior, there will be those of us who spend all of our time hating them. I’m not going to say that I don’t wish Nancy Grace, Sarah Palin, and Glenn Beck would all fall into a pit of iron spikes and lie there impaled as all the life drains out of them, just that I don’t hate them solely for recreation. They represent much deeper problems, the kind that could not be remedied merely by the violent deaths of people who collectively move our civilization backwards.

I think it’s odd that so much female-centric literature is referred to as “chick lit”. Are thrillers referred to as “male lit”? The feminists I know would no doubt cite this as evidence that we live in a “male-normative” society, and maybe they’re right. I’m just tired of feeling like I have to apologize for reading Jane Austen. So far, all I’ve read is Pride and Prejudice, but I know more than a few guys who have enjoyed her work. She’s funny, you know. And her work is much smarter and more subversive than a lot of people give it credit for. I went into Pride and Prejudice with the admittedly sexist assumption that it would be a Mary Sue fantasy, something for women to fantasize about and nothing more. How relieved I was to be proven wrong.

I’ve always believed that what demeans any of us demeans all of us. So in a sense, my motives for supporting women’s rights are purely selfish: by telling women to know their place, we restrict men from stepping outside of theirs. Nowhere is this more apparent than with our stigmatization of pornography. A conservative Christian group is making a horror film about a box of pornography. Really. I watched the trailer and could barely stifle my laughter. A commenter on the site that directed me to the video joked that it was difficult, but he managed to rub one out to the trailer. Does anyone still have a box of porn? I actually did buy one or two magazines back when they existed, but they don’t anymore. Pity. Computers can fail. It’s dangerous to not have a physical copy of anything.

What drives people to pry into the lives of people who are best left alone? Nobody has any right to judge anyone for what goes on inside their heads. People are always trying to find excuses to care about things that don’t affect them at all. Gay marriage is a popular example, but it is by no means the only one. All social issues seem to boil down to how much right we have to tell others how to live their lives. To be fair, freedom has its limitations. Yes, I think it should be illegal to fuck animals, corpses, and children, for the very obvious reason that they cannot consent like a living adult human can. Aside from that, have at it, hoss.

Voyeurism doesn’t have to be evil. One of my favorite writers at one of my favorite websites makes his career out of making fun of ridiculous pop culture-related stories. I want that job. With some of the stories, the jokes practically write themselves. And the comments are usually equally, if not more entertaining. What I especially like is all of the commenters admitting that they’re just procrastinating from work. Wouldn’t it be nice if we could all do that for a living?

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