People Who Should Just Disappear

5. Sarah Palin

She used to terrify me. Back in 2008, we were all scared shitless at the thought of this woman being allowed anywhere near the White House. These days, she’s just annoying. I know that she has a reality show (or did, anyway), still gets work as a talking head over at FOX, and apparently, “writes” books. But seriously, who cares? She has no talent aside from standing in the spotlight and looking pretty, contributes nothing aside from regurgitating talking points that, more often than not, have nothing to do with what she was asked about, and in general is the political equivalent of a former reality show star desperately clinging to their fifteen minutes. But I don’t want her to just fade into obscurity. I want her to never have existed. Let’s face it: if she were immediately wiped out of time and space (and all of our memories of her along with it), what would we miss? I can’t think of anything. Sure, there are still some funny jokes to be told about her, but I’d happily swap those for the knowledge that a woman who didn’t know that Africa was a continent and didn’t read any newspapers was nearly a heartbeat away from the presidency. If you ever took her seriously, you’re more retarded than her child. Yeah, I said it.

Not Sarah Palin, obviously. I just think his parents should take their own lives for bringing him into this world.

4. People Who Think Theater Is Just For Theater People

This can extend to people who consider themselves movie buffs but haven’t watched Citizen Kane because they “don’t like old movies” or who play rock music but don’t listen to the Beatles because they “just like indie stuff”. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: curiosity is more important than knowledge. I don’t care how much you know about whatever subgenre you have used to classify your tastes. Everyone should be willing to try new things. Many years ago, I went to see Spirited Away with a friend who, as the film began, whispered to me that he didn’t want to see it that much, he just asked me to see it with him because he knew I wanted to see it. He ended up liking it every bit as much as I did and buying the DVD the instant it came out. Saying that you don’t want to see an opera because you’re not an opera person is not an adequate excuse. When I was a kid, I hated it when people would ask me how I knew I didn’t want to do something if I’d never tried it myself. You don’t have to eat shit to know it’s a bad idea. At the same time, I think “Why?” is never as good of a question as, “Why not?” I’ll accept “It doesn’t look like my thing” occasionally. But you have to put at least a little thought into every denial. Otherwise, you’re just a philistine. And if there’s one thing I like about philistines, it’s looking down my nose at them.

3. People Who Tell Me I’m Narrow-Minded

I’m not sure if I’ve mentioned this before, but a week or two ago, after moving to New York, I was booted out of my apartment basically just for rubbing my roommate the wrong way. It kind of upset me. But that’s not really the point. The point is that in spite of how unbelievably selfish and judgmental my roommate was being, some people have still suggested that maybe I should just forgive her. No, I don’t think I’m going to do that. I mean, sure, I can, but why does she deserve it? I have only three or four criteria in choosing a roommate: 1) pays rent on time, 2) doesn’t make too much noise or a mess, and 3) stays the fuck out of my way. That’s it. My former (cunty) roommate told me that her apartment is a very supportive environment and that I didn’t fit in because I looked like I just wanted a place to stay. Well yes, of course I did. I didn’t know her when I moved in. I didn’t know if she wanted a friend for a roommate or just somebody who would stay out of her way. I can be either of those or anything in between. Never mind that–I already have been both of those and everything in between for my roommates. I’m as open-minded as I possibly can be. It’s time for others to start opening their minds for me. I really don’t ask that much, just my own little corner. But some people will go to extraordinary lengths to deny me that just so that they won’t have to change even the tiniest, most insignificant thing about the way they live their lives. I hope they cease to exist.

2. People Who Just Like to Hear Themselves Talk

No, I do not consider myself one of these people. I don’t like to hear myself talk per se; I just do it a lot because no one ever listens to me, so I might as well. But I don’t feel like talking about that. I’d rather talk about New York. It’s a pretty crazy place that, if nothing else, helps me to better understand Jon Stewart’s humor. Just yesterday, or possibly the day before, three dead bodies were discovered in a car only a couple blocks from where I go to school. That’s pretty intense, and not the sort of thing that happened in my old neighborhood. Here’s a true story about the cops in my hometown: I was walking home one summer evening feeling very dejected when a couple of cops pulled over to ask if I was okay. Does anyone see that happening in New York? Well, maybe if I were black. The people here aren’t exactly friendly, but they are lively. Hopefully, I’ll develop the attitude necessary to fit in amongst them, given time. Right now, I’m almost broke and trying to make time to get down to the gym. I’m starting to sound narcissistic, so I’ll just move on to the next entry.

1. Reality TV Contestants

I think murder is too kind for these people. In all fairness, I’ve only ever seen bits and pieces of reality TV. Maybe I’ll watch RuPaul’s Drag Race someday. Maybe. I’m told it’s actually pretty funny. I just hate the idea of TV that can’t decide whether it’s fiction, fact, or something in between. They all strain so desperately to generate drama between their contestants that I can’t help but be repulsed by the very smell of them. I had a friend who wanted to be on Survivor. I don’t talk to her anymore. Maybe it’s a generalization to demonize everyone who has any sort of affection for the medium. But I honestly don’t think I’m jumping the gun in condemning a genre that I have little firsthand experience with. On principle, it bugs me. Documentary films are fine. There’s plenty of fine educational programming out there. Why do we need a format that tries to compress and distort real life into something that is dramatically palatable? I write about my own life all the time, but I have the benefit of not being a total whore. Yeah, maybe the contestants over on The Glee Project are nice people, but I’ll never know because I fucking hate Glee and refuse to watch anything associated with it. Most of reality TV fandom, as far as I can tell, consists of marveling at what unbelievable douchebags the people on the show are. I say fuck that. I’m not here to make friends.

On another note, this video is a hilarious parody of reality TV. It’s part of a longer series, which you should totally watch if you have any taste whatsoever.

Also, I don’t know why, but this video makes me want to have an orgy.


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