A straight friend of mine complained to me that since women are so weird, it must be easier to date men. No, I’m sorry. Men, you see, are fucking morons. Oh, they’re great for some things. Needless aggression, for one. And crude humor. But when it comes to not being total morons, the ladies have the gentlemen thoroughly beaten.
Please don’t take this as an anti-masculine rant. I love being a guy. Really, I do. I could never imagine having to deal with girly things like periods or makeup. That’s probably why so many of my close friends are guys. I’m not going to deny that women are weird. Very, very weird. For one thing, I don’t understand why they can’t just say what’s on their minds. I hate to break it to you, honey, but men are not telepaths. If you tell your man nothing’s wrong, odds are that he’ll believe you. Then when you lock yourself in the bathroom later on or make him sleep on the couch or go to bed without giving him the orgasm that every man has to achieve every day of his life even if his rent is due, his dog just died and the World Trade Center is crumbling just outside his window, he’ll have absolutely no idea what he did wrong. And not to lay all the blame on you, but it’ll be your fault.
So part of the resentment that straight people feel when forced to deal with the foibles and contradictions of the opposite sex is nothing more than “grass is greener” wishful thinking. If only I were gay, every straight man in the entire world has no doubt thought at some point. All of this would be so much easier. I wouldn’t have to hide my porn, I could look at other wom–er, men without having to apologize when I’m caught, and I could fart in front of my significant other without feeling self-conscious. To be fair, some guys do that last one anyway. I knew a straight couple once who, collectively, were more immature than the one kid at the back of your kindergarten class who likes to peel dried glue off his hands and eats his own boogers. They were so cute. Actually, not really, but we were friends for a while.
Part of what I miss about high school is all of the stupid people who surrounded me. A very good friend of mine from that period had a hard time figuring out whether or not Stephen Colbert was being sarcastic. That. Is. Adorable. I miss my stupid friends. There are stupid people here at Columbia as well, but they’ve learned to mask their stupidity through layers of obfuscation and mock-erudition. The highfalutin nature of their abstruse and recondite lines of reasoning serves as a mere facade, concealing the disconcerting truth that, beneath their pedantry, they are nothing more than charlatans. They’re good bullshitters, is what I’m trying to say.
I’m a good bullshitter. I majored in English as an undergrad, so it pretty much comes with the territory. I also enjoy correcting people’s grammar. It’s an effective way to assert petty superiority over other people without actually knowing any more than they do. Grammar can be useful. Like any set of rules, they can be bent, but break too many and the whole system descends into chaos. There is a difference between “continually” and “continuously”, for example, I just can’t remember what it is. Someday, I will know. And then, you had better watch out.
This is the part where my own masculine biases start to show. See, while I acknowledge that men are complete dumbfucks, I still have an easier time dealing with them than women. A million standup comedians have talked about this, but I really don’t get it. Why are women so weird? I have to deal with them too, you know. And man, do they ever make me want to bang my head against a wall. Before I wrote this, I was finishing a Climatology Lab Report. After this, I have to finish up a PowerPoint presentation about oil spills. I didn’t know much about either of those topics a couple weeks ago. I still know more about them than women. Men, you see, make sense. They’re just bozos, nothing more. Women…I don’t even know where to begin. Why can’t you just say you’d rather we walked you home? Why can’t you just tell us when you’re not in the mood for pizza? And has it ever occurred to you that commenting on the attractiveness of someone else isn’t really sexism, just natural human behavior? I hate to break it to you, but you do the same thing when you talk about guys. And no, you don’t get off the hook just because (some of) you don’t look at porn. If you don’t look at porn, you probably read romance novels, and those are just as trashy, but far less fun.
I stumbled upon a website years ago that featured a page of retitled romance novels. It was one of the funniest things I’d ever seen. I also enjoyed this compendium of funny answers that young students had given on tests. I think what appeals to me about the latter is its literalism. Technically, many of those students did answer the question, but in obeying the letter of the law, they forgot about the spirit. That’s a kind of genius. When I was in grammar school, my friends and I were constantly finding creative ways to answer the mundane questions that we were posed every day. Since the teachers often just checked to see that we’d written something without reading it, it was pretty easy to get away with it. Ultimately, I think it made for a better education.
So yeah, uh, women are weird. And men are idiots. Any questions?