Helpless

I hate feeling helpless.

I’m not very happy. That was never my life goal, but most nights, it’s a struggle just to get to sleep. God, how I wish all of this could just be over. The only thing that keeps me going is the knowledge that if it ever gets to be too much, I can walk away. I’ve known one or two so-called “free spirits”, and what usually happens to them is that they burn out because if you have no commitments to tie you down, you lose self-respect. If Columbia doesn’t work out for me, I’ll drop out and probably move back to California. I’m a little scared to do that, as I can feel New York sinking its teeth into me, but it doesn’t change the fact that I still have friends left in my old college town. I could get a job and an apartment, reconnect with some people, and figure out where to go from there. Why don’t I? I don’t know. During those few weeks when I was basically homeless, I thought about leaving almost every day. Now I keep going because…I don’t know, exactly.

I’ll switch to something a little bit more upbeat. Well, maybe not upbeat, but less self-pitying. I mean, okay, yeah, it burns that I just had the lead role in a group project yanked away from me at the last minute for the second time, making me the only person in my class who hasn’t given a presentation yet, but let’s focus on something more positive: I’m getting along with the people in my program better now. One of them pissed me off so much that I called her a “cunt” on this blog not too long ago, and after getting to know her better since then, I have concluded that she is not a cunt. I don’t regret what I said, as she and I were not getting along at the time, but in retrospect, I think she has realized her mistake. (And yes, I maintain that it was her mistake and not mine.) The aggravating thing about my inability to keep up with all of my obligations is that I am getting faster and more efficient. I’m just not getting faster and more efficient fast enough.

I had two weeks off of school at the end of August. I wish it had been six months. God, how I wish I could just shut myself in my room and not come back out until I’ve got everything figured out. I’ve mentioned the teacher who grades everything super-harshly before now. Is she, like, the final boss in the game of my academic troubles? Seriously, I have no idea what I’m supposed to do to please her. All I know is that I’ve never worked so hard for so little payoff before.

The problem is that, in my experience, most authority figures do things the way they do because that’s the way they want to do it. They honestly don’t see how they can do things any other way, so they just assume that any problems lie with whoever it is they’re keeping down. And not to be dramatic, but that’s usually me.

The fact of the matter is that I have never been under more stress than I am right now. Please bear with me. I have, I think, between one and two dozen regular or semi-regular readers. Don’t go away, people. The only reason this blog is anonymous is because I don’t want a future employer Googling my name and finding out what a bitter misanthrope I am. The Robot King values his fans–assuming, of course, that he has any.

(In truth, you could probably track me down if you were really determined. You already know what school I go to, along with the general area I grew up in and my major fields of interest. So if I have any potential stalkers, I urge them to exercise self-control. My life is shitty enough without people following me around and documenting my every move.)

I’ll try to keep blogging over the next few weeks, but it’s getting harder and harder to write anything that other people might care about. Don’t worry about me. If you don’t hear from me, just assume I’m back in California. If I survive, though, I’ll keep doing this and I’ll stay in New York. The city seems to want me, at least. I have no idea about Columbia…

God, I am so tired. I can barely even find the energy to proofread this. But I press on, because I am so noble.

I used to work out three times per week. I haven’t done that in months. I also used to start one book and keep going until I finished it. Right now, I’m in the middle of at least four books–five, if you count the one I’m listening to on audiobook. I’m becoming well-read, but very slowly, and in a slightly less linear fashion than I would like.

I’ll close with something unrelated: just a vlogger I like. I agree with what he’s saying, and for the record, prefer slim and toned to overly muscular. But that’s just me.

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