5. Having Earbuds Ripped Out of My Ears
I listen to my mp3 player when I’m at the gym, grocery shopping, or sometimes while eating or commuting. My favorite podcasts are Savage Love (big surprise) and This American Life. I also enjoy audiobooks and various musical artists. Few things make me more irrationally angry than having to reinsert my earbuds because I brushed up against something, the cord caught onto something, or whatever. It takes only a few seconds to fix the problem, but every time it happens, I want to kill someone. (Please note that I am not actually thinking of killing someone. The last time I joked about that, it didn’t turn out so great.) Maybe if I just punched an old lady in the face, I’d feel better. She’s missing her teeth anyway, so what harm could it do?
4. My Own Social Awkwardness
As you might have figured out by now, I’m not very good at small talk. I’m far too busy figuring out just how to take over the world and force everyone to pay tribute to me to be troubled with such things as interacting with lesser mortals, you understand. But if you are one of the select few that I have deemed worthy of having your life or freedom spared, you might have noticed that I tend to act awkwardly around those who have yet to work their way into my confidence. It’s nothing personal. I just hate humanity, that’s all. I never ask anyone how they are, how their food tastes, how they slept, or whether they’re happy with their spouse and children. Such puny matters are simply irrelevant to me.
In all seriousness, I really, really suck at small talk. Really really really really really really really really really really really really suck at it. I wish somebody would just hand me a script so that I could get through these awkward interactions. I’ve had low-paying jobs before, and those almost always require you to interact with customers. When I smiled at people during my days as a canvasser, they actually burst out laughing. When I was a cashier, I focused on being polite because, frankly, I’m just not good at friendly. I frequently meet people who have similar interests and seem to be more or less on my wavelength, at which point I wish that we could just skip the “getting to know you” part and just become friends. As far as I am concerned, that would be no less awkward.
3. Nice People Who Suck at Having Opinions
I’m not sure if I spend enough time talking about Doctor Who on this blog. Sure, I mention it in every other post, but why stop there? I have so much resentment for my fellow fans that continues to go unexpressed. So if you are one of those fans who is both wrong and a nice person, please keep reading. If you aren’t one of those people, you can skip to the next entry. Still reading? Good. I’m assuming that you’re one of those people who thinks Rose Tyler is awesome. She isn’t. She a whiny, selfish cunt who, for the first season, was a halfway decent audience surrogate but who, once she was paired up with David Tennant, became the most detestable Mary Sue this side of Bella Swan. Seriously, she almost destroys the world because she insists on seeing her father one last time, and when she falls into a parallel universe in which he is still alive, her first move is to…go see him. If the Doctor had left her there and gone with Mickey as his primary companion, I would have been much happier. But really, I know nice people who disagree with me. I know why: They like to project themselves into Rose. Just like fans of Twilight do with Bella. This cuts deeper, however, because I like Doctor Who and only like Twilight insofar as hating it is a lot of fun. (See my post last week for more details.) So when I saw a poll on the official Who Facebook page in which Whovians were asked whether Sarah Jane Smith or Rose Tyler was a better companion, I assumed that it was some kind of joke. Surely they don’t mean to compare a badass feminist icon like SJS to someone as entitled and insufferable as Rose? They did, so I “unliked” the page. If having Rose stick around for two seasons wasn’t bad enough, Russell T. Davies had to bring her back again and again. I hate to be that guy, but I’ll be goddamned if there aren’t times when I want to weep for the new generation of fans.
I don’t dislike sports, actually. In fact, I played them quite a lot as a child, and over the past few years have idly toyed with the idea of taking up surfing. I just wish they were easier to get back into. Men watch sports. To be fair, women watch sports, too. I didn’t play sports to reaffirm my masculinity, I just…enjoyed them. They are, however, a world unto themselves, not unlike Doctor Who, but with far more testosterone.
A bit off-topic, but I think it’s a shame that there is still not one openly gay player in any of America’s four major team sports. Many players have said that they would be totally comfortable with one, but who’s going to be the first one out of the gate? Chris Kluwe, punter for the Minnesota Vikings, wrote a very funny letter to a homophobic Maryland delegate that should be read in elementary school classrooms everywhere. If that makes people uncomfortable, someone should at least have the decency to found a gay punk band called “Lustful Cockmonster”. Hell, I’d listen to that.
Well, at least we have the Olympics.
1. Not Getting My First Choice
Most of us get used to this after a while. Still, I think it’s odd that in my entire life, I can think of maybe one or two cases in which I got exactly what I wanted. Columbia was my first choice for my undergraduate education, but I didn’t get in. By the time grad school rolled around, I had fallen in love with a program at M.I.T. I didn’t get in there, but got into Columbia. That’s annoying in ways I can’t quite put my finger on. Is the universe laughing at me? I’m going to go out on a limb and say yes. That’s okay. My life is probably a lot funnier to people who aren’t me, so if the only reason you’re reading this is to laugh at my inability to interact smoothly with the outside world, please knock yourself out. I laugh at other people all the time (usually my close friends, because if you can’t be an asshole to them, then tell me, what is the point of all this?), so it’s only fair that I turn said mockery on myself every now and then.
The lesson that I have learned from all this is blah blah blah idontgiveafuckingshitkthnxgbye.