It’s hard for me to do something unless I know why I want to do it. Some people just do whatever enters their heads, then sort out the ramifications afterwards. If I tried that, I would probably end up lying naked in a ditch somewhere. Understandably, I’m a little wary.

I’ve just had a minor epiphany. (That’s a line from Midnight in Paris.) I’ve spent a lot of time whining about how some of my old friends don’t talk to me anymore, and we didn’t have a falling out so much as just drift away. I’m not sure if any of them realized how difficult it was for me, but some might have been more aware of what was going on than others. In the case of one guy, it may have just been that he realized he didn’t like me that much anymore. For years, he’d been a good friend, sometimes a great one. But–and I’m still struggling to pin down exactly when and where it started–there had been a sort of unacknowledged friction developing between us for some time. I could tell that I was rubbing him the wrong way, but couldn’t see how that was my problem, as I was the same person I’d always been. So he turned his back. It was that simple. Ultimately, it’s easier to forgive that than the asshole who pushed me away through sheer rudeness before deactivating his Facebook account and changing his phone number. (Seriously, you’d think he was a goddamn fugitive.) It reminds me of (what else?) my housing situation. People do what people do. At a certain point, contracts and obligations don’t matter. If they don’t like me, they ask me to leave. I’m trying to apply that to my inability to get a date, but my love life (or lack thereof) is so complex (in that it doesn’t exist) that I’m not sure if even my therapist could fully unpack it. It’s not something that makes functioning on a day-to-day basis difficult so much as just something that gnaws away at me. And I don’t have any prospects on the horizon, so from the looks of things, it will be a long time yet before anything happens. Problems like this are not solved overnight. You just chip away at them until you can’t take it any more, and then, if you’re lucky, a crack opens in the dam. If you’re lucky.

Some things seem too easy, whereas others seem too hard. I’m a fan of Paul Krugman, but he embarrassed himself on his blog this week when he called Jon Stewart “lazy” for mocking the idea of a using a trillion dollar coin to solve our national debt crisis. Problem is, Krugman made the same point. He bashes Stewart for not acknowledging that the coin was, at the time it was proposed, the only solution that anyone had put forward that was even legal, let alone plausible. But that’s not Stewart’s job. The non-smartasses of the world have to understand that you don’t have to be a journalist or even a qualified expert in order to talk about serious issues on TV, and yes, saying, “I’m a comedian” is a perfectly acceptable excuse for leaving key facts out or even getting them wrong. Krugman himself admitted that the coin was kind of a silly idea, so basically, he and Stewart are on the same side, but coming at it from different angles. It’s a silly dust-up, but even so, Krugman’s admirers need to understand that Stewart is not thin-skinned for firing back, although K-Thug (gotta love that nickname) revealed himself to be mighty sensitive on this one.

Honestly, is it so hard to understand that this Onion piece, while clearly not journalism by any stretch, does in fact make a relevant point about the entertainment industry while not being entirely mean-spirited? In some ways, mockery is the sincerest form of flattery.

I said back in late August that I could see the skeleton of the life I was trying to build for myself. I don’t want to get ahead of myself, but I think I can see slightly more than that now. It was a hard-fought victory, believe me. In a way, the expression, “It’s always darkest just before the dawn” is terrifying. Since my life continues to find new and improved ways to suck, I haven’t quite reached the darkest part yet, have I? Sure, that dawn is mighty tempting, but what will I have to go through to get there? I guess I’m looking at it the wrong way. The proper outlook, I suppose, is to just enjoy what you have, when you have it. Well, I’ve got a roof over my head (for the time being), am feeling slightly more prepared for the upcoming semester than I did for the last two, and may have even made more than zero friends since moving to New York. I guess that’s something. But I still wake up at four in the morning feeling anxious for no good reason sometimes. The dogs in my head know something is up. And they’re not going to shut up until they’ve found it and, um, chewed on it or something.

I have only a couple hundred dollars to get me through these next few weeks until my loans come through. I could charge things to my credit card (for which my father still foots the bill), but I’m trying to be all financially independent and shit. Wish me luck.

Viggo Mortensen does, anyway.

viggo mortensen


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