Only the Beginning

I’ve had this feeling before: the feeling of being tired of revising something. I had it in my acting class my senior year as an undergraduate, I had it when I wrote an article for a professional blog last year that was never published (although I was paid handsomely), and I have it now that I have just received feedback on my op-ed for my writing class. I don’t disagree with the criticisms, necessarily, but I’m tired of trying to flesh out something that I don’t really have all that much passion for. The teacher has suggested we try to get something published in a student newspaper or magazine, which I think I might do, but not with this piece, which I’m pretty bored with at this point. I guess that’s what’s bugging me: Since I don’t want to tinker with it any longer (it’s about a topic I’ve covered many times on this blog), I just wanted to hear that it was wonderful so I could forget about it. Anyone who has ever workshopped something knows the feeling of fixing what they teacher tells you to, then bringing it back only for them to find all sorts of new things wrong with it. Maybe they just didn’t notice those things last time, or didn’t want to overburden you, and since it’s all constructive, there’s no need to take it personally. At the same time, it can feel like learning to kick farther only to find that the goalposts have shifted and now you have to work even harder and pour more hours to get something that you feel like you’ve already earned. The funny thing about this blog is that I rarely revise anything here, although I edit very carefully. I used to write 2.5 drafts of everything, and for whatever reason, I enjoyed that more. It really isn’t much fun to always get it right on the first try.

I finally got my bookshelf constructed. There were complications in putting the damn thing together, but the fact is that now it is up and running, so to speak. It’s tall and deep, but not very wide, which I suppose makes it fitting considering the limited space in my room. But there really are times when I feel as if the universe is thumbing its nose at me. I’m not going to go into detail there, except to say that I still don’t have my dream home, and something tells me that if I weren’t already considering finding another place as soon as the six month term that I agreed upon with my landlord, this one would find a way to kick me out. It’s not bad, really, just…aggravating. I haven’t talked to my father in a while, but since he still vacillates between being a bully and trying way too hard to be helpful, maybe that’s for the better.

I think part of my problem stems from an inability to understand how people can hold two contrary truths at the same time. Go on FOX News’ website, for example, and read a couple of articles about gay rights–specifically, read the comments section. The lengths that people will go to in order to soothe their own insecurities rather than confront their prejudice are astonishing. So many of them say something to the effect of, “I’m not for discrimination, but gay marriage is just plain wrong.” Um…the second half of that sentence kind of negates the first half, numbnuts. You can’t have it both ways: If you don’t think LGBT people should be treated equally, then you are guilty of discrimination. Every time I hear Antonin Scalia or some other douchebag talk about their “moral feelings” or some such nonsense, my eyes glaze over. You can’t legislate morality. Murder isn’t illegal because it’s immoral; it’s illegal because it takes away somebody else’s right to stay alive. If it doesn’t take away somebody else’s rights, then it’s fine. You aren’t special just because you have a very selective interpretation of the Bible and are content to either marry somebody of the opposite gender or desperate enough to force yourself into such a bond anyway.

I guess what I’m really trying to say is that I am tired of people failing to have the courage of their convictions. What is so frustrating about the gay rights movement is that the people who fight to deny rights to the gay community always have to qualify it with something about how they have nothing against anyone. I think I would much rather hear somebody say, “I don’t agree with the gay lifestyle, but I’m not going to force my beliefs upon anyone else”, wouldn’t you? If I remember my high school history classes correctly, antebellum Southerners tended to like black people as individuals but dislike them as a race, whereas Northerners liked them as a race but disliked them as individuals. Honestly, which one is worse? I couldn’t say, really, but there is some bedrock ignorance in the redder parts of this country, and it’s on the saner people from those states to tell the crazies to go fuck themselves. I could do it myself, but nobody listens to me. You don’t have to agree with me about everything, but if you can accept that Jesus did not ride a dinosaur and that gay marriage is not a threat to the foundations of our society, we have something in common. Take that for what it is.

I meet lots of interesting people, but don’t always get to know them as much as I like. Sometimes, I don’t even properly meet them, I just see them in various settings and think that they might be worth talking to. I almost never approach them, however, and I’m bad at small talk and generally don’t function around people I don’t know. I’m not alone in that, at least. But somewhere along the line, I have to actually hang around the people who are like me, and if they’re not the people who I often find myself feeling awkward and insecure around, they should at least be people like them. I hope that makes sense, because I’m through with philosophical musings for the day.

I should add, by the way, that while I loathe this song, I am always one for watching hot guys take off their shirts and dance. That is all for now.


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