Before I begin, I just want you to know that the content of this post will not be anywhere near as saucy as the title. In all honesty, it is only tangentially related to sex. So here goes:
I’m getting tired of the way that my life seems to proceed in hills and valleys. When I moved to New York, I was terrified of so many things: starting a life for myself on the other side of the country, making new friends, changing my career path, etc. But now, strangely enough, I’m not so worried about it anymore. Graduation is, as I have mentioned in the last 50 or 60 posts, coming up, and not only am I not worried about it, I’m not too worried about finding a job afterwards. Should I be? Some might say so. Occasionally, I end up proving everyone else wrong. All I know is that I figure I should have enough marketable skills by now to get something better than a cashier job at Walgreen’s. Even if I wait until May to start applying, I should still have enough money to cushion me for awhile, and if worst comes to worst, I can always ask my parents for help. They are unlikely to refuse. I mean, not that I want to. I’m just saying that worse things have happened.
I’m not sure I can adequately express how rough last semester was. I lost track of the number of times I wondered if I should just fly back to California and leave all this shit behind. To top it off, I had my worst semester ever by a country mile. And please don’t think that life is all sunshine and rainbows now. I’m still single. And my friends are all out of town for the break or scattered about the country. That’s part of what sucks about being my age. You don’t know where you’re going to end up, neither do you know where half of your friends are going to end up, so it’s really hard to gather too many people in the same place. Really, most things suck. Mostly, I just hate the feeling of knowing that yes, you can do that thing you wondered whether or not you could do, and now you just have to finish it. Going downhill is easier than going uphill, but it lacks some of the flavor. But I don’t think it has to be that way.
People used to tell me I had good instincts. That drove me insane, because whenever I began to rely on my instincts, I inevitably failed. I would get a very positive feeling about something, then act on it and discover that my confidence was completely misplaced. Is it really so hard to understand why I’m so bitter? The Robot King might have good intuition, but intuition is not something that one can carry around in one’s back pocket and consult like a GPS. I mean, I know that I’m always right, but how to convince others of that?
There is more to life than being right, I have discovered. As it happens, “right” and “good” are not the same things. There are some people who are so aggressive in their need to be right that they forget to care about whether the person they’re talking actually, you know, gives a damn. And if that’s all you care about, you probably aren’t even right. My sister dated a guy for a while who once said, “Just because you’re right doesn’t mean I’m gonna listen to you.” That’s, um, unexpected. It sounds kind of corny, but I can figure out a lot of things: math, art, politics, and the like, but the one thing that continues to baffle me is people. I still can’t figure out what they’re going to do next, and I’m not sure if I ever will.
The funny thing about this blog is that the more people read it, the more scared I am that something I post will piss somebody off and have real-world consequences. To be fair, I shit-talk a lot of people around here, but I really hope that anyone who knows me who reads something negative about them will understand either that I used to think that but might not anymore (if it’s an old post) or not waste my time by demanding that I answer for what I did. If I say it here, it’s probably because I couldn’t find a better forum. Really, what better place to air all of your personal grievances than on an anonymous blog? My goal is really just to have a safe space, as much as I normally roll my eyes at that term. Nothing drove me crazier when applying for summer jobs than the stupid tests they had me take–you know, the ones that ask you to agree or disagree with obviously-loaded statements like, “A person who is being rude should be told off.” Under some circumstances, that would be acceptable, but in a customer service environment, it’s generally a bad idea. Of course, what they wanted me to say was that it’s never okay to talk back to someone, because employees, as we know, aren’t people. I especially hated it when they put nearly identical questions almost back-to-back on the test in hopes of catching me in a contradiction. In theory, it sounds like a nice idea, but in practice, it’s just an insult to the applicant’s intelligence. Why were they wasting my time by asking me to answer exactly the same question a mere page later? I started out by being somewhat honest on those tests, then progressed to outright lying. I didn’t enjoy it.
I hope that whatever job I find in the near future is one in which I can be honest. Wish me luck.
Off-topic, but here is all I have to say about a certain recent development: Meet the new boss, same as the old boss.