Fever Dream

av clubI’m not in a very good mood as I write this. Sort of one of those moods where everything just seems out of balance. In case you haven’t noticed, I’ve been unusually prolific this past week, and as is often the case when these fits strike, I’ve tried to stop, but just can’t. Usually, my brain turns back just before I pass the point of no return, by which I mean, do something crazy and weird and that I don’t really want to do. You ever hear some creative person say that they’re only truly happy when they’re performing/painting/writing/whatever? I actually don’t feel like that. It’s not really happiness that I’m pursuing, as I think that kind of comes and goes on its own. I kind of just want to feel like I’m in control of my own goddamn mind.

I’ve lost count of the number of times over the past few months that I have gone to bed, tossed and turned for a while, then gotten back up to do one little thing that somehow allows my brain to right itself so that I can move on to the next day. I keep going to bed later and later because I didn’t get everything that I wanted to get done today done, so I can barely even find the patience to sleep. That’s not right. I’ve learned that in some ways, it’s actually harder to say no than to say yes, because there is so much shit going on in the world that you have to pick and choose what you have the time for. One of my favorite websites, the A.V. Club, has just said goodbye to a handful of its best writers. For those who aren’t familiar, the A.V. Club is the entertainment section of The Onion, owned by the same company but not sharing any of the same staffers. It covers comics, music, movies, TV, and pretty much anything that can be considered pop culture with a mixture of snark and genuine appreciation that makes it my go-to spot for time-wasting. I really can’t say enough about it, because over the years, it has become such a staple of my day-to-day life that without so many of its core writers and editors, I don’t know if it will be the same. What made it especially difficult was that they didn’t leave all at once, but one at a time, prompting me to wonder in earnest whether the whole enterprise was just collapsing or if I should just curl up into a ball and break down crying. If you aren’t familiar with it, go there this instant and don’t come back until you’ve spent at least ten to twelve hours reading. Start with My Year of Flops. It’s funny shit.

There are some times when I’m just not sure what to do with myself. I never could have predicted that one of my biggest time-wasters for the past five or six years would lose so much of what made it great in so short a time. I hope that the new project that some of the writers have left for (whatever it is) is something amazing, because seriously where else on the internet can I go for intelligent and literate discussion of all of my nerdy obsessions? I’m trying to refocus my energies into other areas, but it would be nice if I weren’t forced to do so by circumstance.

I’m not sure why, but traffic on this blog has dropped significantly over the past few months. At its best, it averaged 20-30 hits per day, and only once, I think, did the number ever pass 100. So we’re not exactly talking HuffPo-level traffic here. Even so, I’m at a loss to explain this. The quality of my output has not, as far as I can tell, declined. The quantity has declined slightly, but seeing as how I still crank out at least 1,000 new words a week (and usually far more), I really don’t think that’s the issue. Maybe sometimes the tides go in, and maybe sometimes they go back out but it’s unusual, no matter how I look at it.

I have a lot of work to do over the next couple weeks. Graduation is coming up, and farther down the road is my planned move to Brooklyn. (I have yet to figure out which neighborhood. I just know I like it more than Manhattan.) Still, I’m spending my Friday night whining about my workload (there was a little bit of drama earlier with the formatting of some group work, and I had to pick up a bit of someone else’s slack) rather than going out and having fun. Actually, I generally prefer staying in and having fun, but as much as I hate humanity, I’d be lying if I said I never wished someone (interesting) were here to break up the monotony.

Off-topic: Here is a funny parody of a commercial that I posted not too long ago. It’s great, but some douchebags are claiming that the original (which you can see here) is sexist because it teaches women to care only about their looks in order to sell them beauty products. First of all, Dove soap is hardly a beauty product. I use soap, and while I value hygiene and maintenance (manscaping is okay, as long as it’s in moderation), I don’t give a shit about beauty. And second, it’s a commercial. All commercials are meant to sell things. The Dove commercial tried to do so by making people feel less insecure rather than more, and for that, it deserves high praise. And that’s all that I have to say about that.


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