I just cancelled an appointment with my therapist. Not because of any scheduling conflict, I just didn’t feel like going in today. The thing about therapy is that the entire point is to keep going until you don’t need it anymore. Most things don’t work that way. Most things have either a set time limit (like going to high school) or satisfy a need that you will never outgrow (like a grocery store). But therapy is different. When are you ready to stand on your own two feet? Whenever you feel like it, I guess. And I plan to see him again next week anyway. I felt like I needed a day with no commitments whatsoever. That said, I’m still going to the gym.
I interviewed for an internship a week ago and was told that if I got it (which I’m definitely not counting on), I would be very busy, juggling multiple commitments at once just like I did during the summer semester of grad school. I’m not going to say, “Bring it on”, because I’m not exactly looking forward to having another busy summer, but I can say that I don’t think I’ll need a months-long vacation or anything like that. First of all, I’ve got so much debt to pay off that buy the time I work through all of it (interest included), I will have paid well over $100K. Oh, joy. Secondly, whenever I have nothing to do all day, I kind of feel like the rest of the world forgets me. We all have days or even weekends during which we don’t do much more than exchange pleasantries with our roommates or something, but I’ve had entire weeks go by without so much as a text message. So I guess I should, for the time being, try to remind people that I exist. This blog is one way of doing that.
There are some people who manage to live off the grid. I’ve begun to wonder recently if I shouldn’t fake my death and move to a remote country after graduating. No, I don’t think I’ll do that (how many people have successfully faked their deaths anyway?), but goddamn, the temptation to just fucking get away from all of this shit and try something new is overwhelming at times. Hell, people I knew in college are moving to other countries and getting engaged, for Christ’s sake. I’ve moved to New York and sunk time and money into a degree that I don’t know how to use. California was miserable, but at least I knew what I was getting. And it wasn’t all bad. There is something to be said for hearing something that you already know over and over again. Not much to be said for that, but it’s comforting and little else.
It has nothing to do with anything, but if you want a laugh, read this. You’ll crack a rib, trust me.
I do not own a smartphone. Personally, I don’t see the need for one. Some people don’t even own cell phones, although some technologies have so thoroughly permeated the culture that they’re not uncommon even in the poorest parts of the world. TVs, from what I’ve heard, are a pretty good example of that. I still write longhand sometimes, although there’s no denying that typing is faster. It might be fun to try using a typewriter sometime, just to see what it’s like. I don’t know where I’m going with all this. All I know is that while some things change, others only seem to. It’s easy to romanticize the past, and sometimes that’s bullshit, like when people act like the 50s was an idyllic time in American history when it was only idyllic if you were a white straight Christian male. But sometimes, golden ages happen. From an artistic standpoint, the 1970s were something of a golden age for American cinema. Many influential auteurs–Coppola, Spielberg, Lucas, Allen, Scorsese, Lumet, and at least a couple others–did some of their best work during that decade, and I repeat, that’s just the American stuff. I haven’t even mentioned the classics produced by Herzog, Fellini and Bergman during that period. So the phrase “golden age” isn’t meaningless; it’s just that you have to be careful how you apply it, and make sure that you have properly defined the term so that anyone who didn’t see it that way doesn’t feel left out. Basically, don’t be an asshole.
I’m getting a little bit tired of feeling like the only way I can stay relevant is to change to attract people’s attention. It rarely works to go out of one’s way in hopes that someone will notice you–at least, it does for me. I don’t use Grindr, have only ever dabbled in online dating and going to bars, and refuse to accept that that is why I am still single. I value privacy, but more importantly, I value being able to feel like I know where the private life ends and the public one begins. Too many use one to cover for the other, and while I doubt I ever would anyway, I have no desire to ever become a celebrity. Social media in general is of limited use to me. You will never find me on Instagram, Tumblr, or even Twitter, so don’t even ask. But that’s not all I’m here to talk about.
Fun fact: A friend of mine met Kevin Spacey, then heard through the grapevine that he had started doing impressions of her. She’s not in this video though, as she is not a movie star.
I don’t have much else to say for now. There’s a Zen Buddhist undercurrent to what I’m getting at, and speaking of which, I think I might try to make the time to finish that Chinese philosophy book that I started reading months ago and didn’t finish. Because for me, finishing one thing is better than almost finishing a thousand things. That’s my deep thought for the day. Now I have shit to do. It involves leaving my house.