“Your life depresses me.” –This one dude I once knew
All I’m going to say about graduating is that I’m not going to say very much about it. Yes, it’s happening. Is it exciting? Not really. Do I feel like this past year has just flown by? Not particularly. Am I excited about my prospects for the future? Mostly, I want to pay off these fucking debts and figure out why the hell I decided to get a masters degree in the first place. So yeah, there’s that. It’s happening. Whoop-de-doo.
I have figured out that there is more to life than having a good job. Of course, I still don’t have a good job, but now I know that once I do, I will still find things to complain about. Good for me, I guess. I have said before and I will say again that I don’t agree with the old adage, “Time flies when you’re having fun.” Maybe I’m unique, but I find that time moves slower the more fun I’m having. Since these past eleven months-plus feel like about nine months, perhaps I did occasionally experience this thing you humans call enjoyment. Somebody told me on my last birthday that this next year would be better than the last. Well, April sailed by, and now that I’m done with all my finals, I have nothing to do except catch up on my reading and TV-viewing. I would have preferred to get more of that done during the year.
They Might Be Giants did a cover of this song that I posted a while ago. I prefer their version, but the original is, shall we say, very charming.
Comparing yourself to others isn’t useless–not necessarily, anyway. It can be helpful when you’re trying to right yourself and figure out what’s really important. I’ve been in similar places before and I’m telling you, something isn’t right. Completely off-topic, but I just started watching RuPaul’s Drag Race on Netflix. Normally, I detest reality TV, but this show is campy, sassy, and highly entertaining. Even better, it has a nice message about learning to love yourself and dealing with prejudice. (It is about drag queens, after all.) These days, I live my life around how much longer I’ll be able to use the school library and how much longer the stuff I want to watch will be available on Netflix.
Something is bugging me about the way that so many states and countries have legalized gay marriage recently. That seems like a weird thing to be bothered by, doesn’t it? It’s something I’ve been stumping for since I was a freshman in high school, but I think the problem here is that the fix, while relevant, is mostly cosmetic. Even hardcore Republicans are waking up to the fact that whether or not they support it, it’s going to become legal soon enough, so they might as well be on the right side of history. Look, I know not all Republicans are backwards-thinking bigots (just the overwhelming majority of them), and I know that people can overcome their prejudices and learn to love people for who they truly are (which, I suppose, is what Rob Portman did, although the real hero in that story is his son). I’m just not convinced that the change will be a lasting one if anyone is dumb enough to think that because gay equality is finally becoming the law of the land. “I can’t be a homophobe. I support gay marriage!” is likely to become the new “I can’t be racist because I have a black friend”. I would love to be wrong about that.
Depression is a funny thing. Anyone who has been through it (most people) will tell you that it has a way of pressing down on you and sucking the life out of stuff that should be fun. I remember coming out of a rather rough spot several years ago and stopping midway through dinner to wonder if Stouffer’s French bread pizza had always tasted this good, or if I was cooking it differently. At that time, I had moved into a new apartment, gotten a job, and was paying for my own rent and groceries for the first time ever. That, I’m sure, is completely unrelated to the pizza thing.
The hardest part about being on break is the initial rush that comes after you’ve finished all your assignments and are trying to figure out what to do next. Since you want to do basically everything, where do you even begin? The hardest thing to do is always to get out of bed in the morning. And since I haven’t harped on this enough, I should restate that I’M TIRED OF PEOPLE TALKING ABOUT HOW THE PAST YEAR HAS JUST FLOWN BY. How are you going to feel when you lie on your deathbed, pray tell? I would like to feel that it was a life well-lived and that I’m ready to move on now. I would not like to look back and say, “Wow, those 80 years or so just sailed by!” That’s really fucking depressing. My teenage self was a mouthy asshole, but I’m still like that now, and the only difference is that I take on bigger targets. If I could give some advice to my 21 year-old self, I would tell him to keep going. I don’t plan on dying before I have the chance to sit back and take in my surroundings. At the same time, I have no intentions of just sitting around and hanging out this summer. I have to conquer the world first.