It’s never a good idea to write when you’re in this mood, but I don’t care. The long and the short of it is that I’m not getting what I want out of blogging. My page views are down, my “likes” are down, and while I’ve picked up more followers in the past month and a half than I ever could have anticipated, the fact is that there is a disconnect between the response that I expect and the one I’m getting. I’m not saying that I’ll return when I start to get that response, because that doesn’t make sense and at that rate, it will be an eternity before I return to blogging. All I’m saying is that I might take a week or two off–which, looking over my history, is more than I’ve done in the fifteen months since started doing this. There is nothing discernibly wrong with the quality and frequency of my blogging. But people don’t seem to care as much as they used to. So I’m going underground–by which I mean, I’m going to focus on other shit. That’s all, really. It’s not that big of a deal. Too many people write because they just can’t stop. But I can. Sometimes, it’s even productive.
There are too many things that I want but can’t have at the moment. I’m trying to figure out what to do until that shit turns around. I don’t like it when people pity me. I don’t like it when they read something I’ve written here and assume that they know what my day-to-day life is like, or what is really going on with me right now. I’m tired of people seeing me one way when I’m not like that at all. You can learn a lot about someone from reading their blog. But you should never assume that everything they say must be taken literally, nor should you project your own insecurities and lack of self-confidence onto them. If you think I’m going to do something rash and dangerous because of what you’ve read here, ask yourself why someone who is going to do something rash and dangerous would talk about it in such a forum. Remember that I carefully proofread everything I publish. Do you think I act on every whim that enters my head? I’m just trying to distinguish the whims from the genuine needs. And I need to stop seeing this as a dumping ground for every goddamn thought. It’s too easy, and it isn’t real.
Being young means having that inescapable feeling that life is passing you by, that everyone has it figured out except you. It means hearing about a party that you might have liked to attend, then wondering why no one invited you. (Or worse, it means knowing damn well why you weren’t invited, and wondering what you could have done to change that.) It also means hearing from everybody older than you that there will be an answer if you just let it be. (To be fair, “Let It Be” is one of The Beatles’ best songs, which is saying quite a lot.) Mainly, I’m just tired of feeling that even though what I say makes sense, it’s not getting through to the right people. Even if I’m right, so what? When my sister got into an argument with her boyfriend some years back, his response was, “Just because you’re right doesn’t mean I’m going to listen to you.” You should listen to me, though. Make sure you’re not reading too much into what I say. My father used to tell me that if I’m ever rich and famous, I can tell stories about all of the adversity I went through. I don’t want to be rich and famous. I want people to listen. Mainly, I’m just tired of carrying around everyone’s hopes and dreams for my future instead of, you know, living out my own hopes and dreams.
This post is getting a little long-winded already, so I’ll just say that I don’t want to have to explain what I say on here. Ever. It should speak for itself. I envy people like Batman and Thomas Pynchon, who avoid the public eye and somehow manage to get their message across anyway. I’m sick of the post in which I talk about that one incident that got me into so much trouble accounting for half of the traffic around here. I’ve moved on, why can’t everybody else? I’ll just close with a famous quote from Mother Teresa. Whatever her faults, she was spot-on about this:
People are often unreasonable, irrational, and self-centered. Forgive them anyway.
If you are kind, people may accuse you of selfish, ulterior motives. Be kind anyway.
If you are successful, you will win some unfaithful friends and some genuine enemies. Succeed anyway.
If you are honest and sincere people may deceive you. Be honest and sincere anyway.
What you spend years creating, others could destroy overnight. Create anyway.
If you find serenity and happiness, some may be jealous. Be happy anyway.
The good you do today, will often be forgotten. Do good anyway.
Give the best you have, and it will never be enough. Give your best anyway.
In the final analysis, it is between you and God. It was never between you and them anyway.
George Harrison was probably my favorite Beatle. Maybe I just sympathize with a guy who was often shouldered aside despite being every bit as brilliant as his peers.
I’ll be back soon. Don’t wait up.