Vladimir Putin Has a Tiny Penis

"The Portal to Dr. X's Universe: Dr. X's Universe is a dimension that exists within my imagination. If I was able to make a portal to it I would be able to basically have fun forever, creating my own worlds full of adventure to explore. If I could make a portal, it would be fantastic." --Drexel B., Grade 8, Vermont

“The Portal to Dr. X’s Universe: Dr. X’s Universe is a dimension that exists within my imagination. If I was able to make a portal to it I would be able to basically have fun forever, creating my own worlds full of adventure to explore. If I could make a portal, it would be fantastic.” –Drexel B., Grade 8, Vermont

This past week or so has been rough. To begin with, there are my consistent computer problems. I ordered one from Amazon, then received an email from the seller saying that they had oversold and would be refunding my money and sending me something else in the mail as a gift. So I got kind of upset. At first, I thought I might have to order a brand new one from the manufacturer’s website, which would cost me $300-$400 more than ordering a secondhand one from an online store. Then I found another online store that would sell me a refurbished computer (meaning a used one that was basically good as new) that was, as far as I could tell, nearly identical to the model I’d tried to get through Amazon. The computer just shipped, so I hope it’s good.

(I should add that the process of verifying one’s payment methods is becoming maddeningly complicated. Before I could pay for my computer, I had to first provide not only the name, number, and security code on my credit card, but my email address, ZIP code, and the last few digits of my SSN. Since I move around a lot and my dad still foots the bill for my credit card, I didn’t know whether they wanted my email address or my his, couldn’t provide the info, and had to use my debit card instead, then ask my dad to reimburse me for that, as he has agreed to pay for half of the computer as a late graduation present. I’ll pay him back for the other half of it as soon as I’ve got the money, but in the meantime, there was a mix-up in which my credit card almost got charged for the computer, and I had to answer questions about my mother’s name and the street I grew up on in order to convince the seller that I was, in fact, the Robot King. I know identity theft is a real problem and I’m sure it sucks to have one’s info stolen, but sometimes I want to just put my head down and wait for this to be over.)

While I’m whining, I’d like to talk about my apartment hunt. I’ve been to Brooklyn multiple times to look at places, and just yesterday evening, I went down there to look at a promising spot. I got off the train and headed down to what I thought was the place, delighted that I’d made good time and would, after being late several times due to complications with public transit, actually be early for one of my appointments with a prospective roommate. Then I noticed something funny about the street. The numbers weren’t right. I called the lady and found that I had gone to the wrong street, that there was another with the same name in a different part of town, and that I would probably just have to come back tomorrow evening, since she didn’t know how to get there from where I was. Needless to say, this put me in a pissy mood. Hopefully, I’ll find the place without complication tonight.

I’m rambling because a lot is going on right now. I haven’t even gotten around to how angry I am about the George Zimmerman trial. There is no denying that the whole affair was a travesty, and how a man can pursue an unarmed teenager who was walking through his own neighborhood and shoot him dead, then get off scot-free is beyond me. It’s racism, plain and simple, and if you don’t believe that, you’re racist. I got into an argument with somebody on Facebook who actually said that while Trayvon Martin’s death is sad, the real tragedy is that race was dragged into this issue when race has nothing to do with it. No, the tragedy is that an innocent child was shot dead, you fucking bigot. If the worst fate you can imagine is being labeled a bigot, you’re a bigot.

The only other thing I’ll say about this for now is that while it is tempting to point a finger at the jury, all things considered, they’re probably the least responsible for this whole travesty. The whole justice system failed us here, beginning with that idiotic and thoroughly wicked Stand Your Ground law. It was designed to protect people who don’t need protecting. That’s a fact.

While I’m ranting, I’d like to add that even though I hate Glee, I was genuinely saddened by the death of Cory Monteith. There are douchebags out there saying that he brought it on himself by ODing, but the fact is that he was coerced into taking drugs at a very young age, battled addiction for years, and had been sober for months before falling off the wagon and taking a dose that would scarcely have affected him if he hadn’t gone cold turkey (that’s called “tolerance”, and it’s a dangerous thing). So spare me the moralizing. Addiction doesn’t just fuck with your head, it basically changes the way your brain even functions. Show some respect.

Oh, and it sucks that Pacific Rim underperformed at the box office this weekend. I saw it on Saturday and had lots of fun, thinking it was refreshing to see a big budget summer blockbuster that was stylish, visually stimulating and not a remake, an adaptation, a sequel or a prequel. It got beaten out by Grown-Ups 2, a film so lazy that its poster just features high school pictures of its stars (to remind us of what regular guys they are). If you saw that movie, kill yourself. You’ll be doing us all a favor.


As if that wasn’t enough, now I can’t travel to Russia. Fuck you, Vladimir Putin. I hope the U.S. boycotts the 2014 Olympics.

I’m having trouble sleeping these days. This is my attempt to work through it. I hope you enjoy it on some level.


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