Topper

Maybe I should just try to enjoy myself.

I am kidding, of course. That never works.

My manager told me I need to engage with customers more. I thought I was doing a pretty good job of that already. I smile at them and when they’ve told me what they want, I always say, “Will that be all?” Apparently, that’s not enough. I need to ask them how their day is going and if they say they want something to drink, I’m supposed to ask them if I can get them a pastry as well. It’s frustrating. Smiling at people is far enough outside of my comfort zone; how am I supposed to make small talk? I don’t make small talk even with the 0.000000001% of the population that I don’t hate; what about the rest of humanity?

I guess what’s really going on here is that I still appear too tense. I got into a fight with a coworker because he thought I was asking him about a customer’s order. He said I should just ask the customer, but I didn’t need to clarify their order; I just wanted to make sure I was doing it right. It was a very nitpicky question, the kind of perfectionistthing that, once it’s out of your mouth, sounds pretty stupid. But I have lost track of the number of times over the past four weeks that something that seemed minor turned out to be a big deal. My manager asked me to stop crouching down to make sure I had poured out the right amount of milk into the measuring cup when making frozen drinks. Customers remarked upon how odd it looked. What an odd thing to remark upon.

My problem is that I do everything methodically. I obsess over tiny, tiny details because I’m trying to understand how they contribute to the bigger picture. And I can’t be clear enough about this: Every time I figure that something is not that big of a deal and don’t ask about it, it turns out to be a very big deal and everyone wants to know why I didn’t ask about it. I guess I’m just not very good at gauging what is important to other people. My coworker actually shouted at me in front of customers earlier. I apologized and told him to just let it go, but he wouldn’t, because he was convinced that I hadn’t listened to the customer. He wouldn’t leave me alone and he wouldn’t let me finish my sentence. Needless to say, I was kind of rattled. My hands were shaking as I returned to work. The next time he talks to me like that, I’ll pour boiling water down his pants.

I don’t think there’s a very good chance that he will talk to me like that again. Once he realized his mistake (and stopped muttering curses at me after I turned my back to him), he was nice to me. Very, very, very nice. Because I really don’t think management would be on his side if I went to them about this. Never mind that—I don’t think casual observers who watched the thing unfold through the front window would be on his side. I hate drama. It follows me everywhere I go, but I don’t like it, never have. I guess I’m just not that good at expressing myself to the people in a way that they will understand, so I try to work shit out here, except even on this blog, people don’t always get it. Oh, well. I’ll keep trying.

I feel that I have not talked quite enough about YouTube yet. I stumbled upon another gay couple. They’re hot. They seem like nice guys. But they’re making relationship advice videos after being together for all of six months, and I have to say, I feel that’s a little bit too soon. See, I like to think that the reason that I’m still single in my mid-twenties is that by the time I land someone, I’ll be able to skip over all of the teenage bullshit in which you think that the other person is “the one” and that your love is the most perfect love that has ever existed in the history of people who love each other. But even if I were still in college, I think I would roll my eyes at the one dude referring to the other as “the one” in this video. I’m suspicious of any couple whose social media posts center entirely around their relationship. Aren’t you supposed to have lives independent of each other?

Somebody said to me once that I seem like the sort of person who might take a while to find someone, but that once I did, I would stay with them for my entire life. I don’t know if that’s true, but I do believe that the person who said it to me believes it. What I’m looking for is, essentially, is somebody who can deal with me. I’m not a perfect ten (although I am quite handsome), so it’s not very reasonable for me to hold out for a ten. But I get pickier the longer I’m single, which is exactly the opposite of what you would expect to happen. I am so tired of people who think that just because you love each other, you’re destined to be together forever. Some people click immediately. Kevin Smith and his wife decided to get married after being together seven months (I think), and fourteen years and a kid later, here they are. So there’s nothing that says you have to have been together for a certain amount of time to get each other. But the best relationships all have a lived-in quality, the sort of thing where you’ve been through so much unsavory shit together that they’re basically just friends who fuck. I’m down with that.

And if he’s packing eight inches to boot, I’ll take that as well.

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