In Purgatory

Film Title: In BrugesI don’t get out much these days. Unless you count my job, I don’t spend time with people outside of my family more than a couple of times a month. Even for a misanthrope like me, that’s not good enough. But nobody will talk to me. There are friends who live in the same general area as me, yet have not found the time to see me in the almost four months since I moved back to California. They can talk all they want about how busy they are, but I think the real reason is that they just don’t want to see me. I’m not writing this as a cry for help. Please don’t assume that I need a shoulder to cry on. I’m just tired of messaging someone asking if they want to hang out and getting the cold shoulder. There’s only so many times I can tell somebody I’d like to see them before I just throw my hands up in the air. Fucking people, man.

I guess the problem is that I just don’t have a very busy life. I’m thinking of looking for a second job. The schedule for my current one changes from week to week, but I’m sure there’s a way to do it. I just can’t stand waiting. People tell me life gets richer and fuller if you give it time, but I’m not sure how long I can hold out. The day-to-day grind is such a drag. It’s getting to the point where I wake up in the middle of the night and toss and turn because I’m so damn frustrated for reasons I can’t even begin to understand. What is everyone else doing? I spent New Year’s Eve alone for the second (or was it third?) year in a row. It takes work to be my friend. And I don’t think writing this will change that, because anyone who reads this and wonders if they’re ever a bad friend probably isn’t. The people I need to reach are off on their own doing other shit. This is for me. Don’t think otherwise.

I don’t live near most of my friends, so I have to go out of my way to see them. Most of them will not go out of their way to see me. I used to host Doctor Who screenings at my father’s place, but I’m not sure if that many people would attend.

You know something? I still don’t think I’m getting right to the heart of what I want to say. I’m not writing this so more people will hang out with me. I’m just trying to figure out what to do with myself in the meantime. Volunteer somewhere? Get serious about the second job search? I’ve had an entire month go by with no or almost no social interactions before, so don’t think I can’t handle being on my own. I just feel stranded. It’s like everybody else just comments or “likes” shit on Facebook and forgets I exist in the real world, too. So I guess I have to find other things to talk about.

I’ve always liked winter. It’s probably my favorite season. I’m not going to get to see New York this winter, but I hope to be around for the next one. I’ve posted this clip before, but here it is again: the final scene from one of my favorite plays/movies, Angels in America. (Skip to 4:30.)

So now that that’s out of the way, let’s talk about coming out of the closet. Actually, no, we’ve done enough on that subject.

So let’s talk about YouTube comments. I posted the first installment a few weeks ago. I fucking love this series.

Remember in elementary school when they told you never to use the word “said” in your writing? Yeah, that’s bullshit. I would protest that I had seen plenty of professional writers do exactly that, and they would counter that I was not a professional writer. Out of curiosity, how does one become a professional writer except by emulating all the shit that you have seen the ones that came before you do until you find your own voice? I look back on the stuff that I wrote when I was in high school and, surprisingly, it’s not all terrible. Oh, it’s not particularly good, mind you, and the vast majority of it is godawful. But some of it is just interesting enough that if I wrote it today, people would probably say, “Eh, you’ve got potential. Keep trying.” See, that’s kind of where my life is at right now. I know I have a ways to go, but I have no idea where to begin and nobody seems willing to help me. So I press on.

Pushing forward is kind of tough. You get upset over something and spend an hour lying on your floor because you can’t work up the motivation to do anything else. Then you pick yourself up, go a little ways, and collapse again. It’s a stop-start process, but I certainly hope that I start to make a little headway soon. There is a very interesting world out there. I would like to see it someday. You might think I’m jinxing myself by saying this, but I don’t think I’m going to die young. I think I shall live to a ripe old age and I shall be very handsome. I know I’m doing something right. I haven’t taken a sick day in over a decade. I honestly can’t remember the last time I had even so much as a cold. Who wants to take a swing at me?

I don’t think I’ve posted this video before. It’s very sweet, but since I’m a horrible person, I kept hoping she’d say no. And fellas, you don’t have to follow this dude’s example when you propose. In fact, it’s probably better if you don’t.


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