I’ve noticed something funny about this blog over the past few months. I’m not just getting fewer page views than I used to, but fewer page views per visitor. It’s as if more and more people are stumbling across this blog just because they’re looking for a picture of Tom Daley in a Speedo or Taylor Lautner’s ass. Well, I’ll try to tone that down. The top five search items leading people here in 2013 (this is true) were “taylor lautner ass”, “donkey porn”, “gay donkey”, “white people are annoying”, and “jamie foxx naked”. Now that I’ve typed them out, that will probably lead more people here, but hopefully, some of them will stay to learn more of my thoughts on politics, philosophy, and religion.
I’m getting really impatient. It’s been close to a month since I’ve seen any of my friends, and because my friends are people, we keep agreeing on a time, then realizing that doesn’t work, then having to reschedule. I hate living in the real world. And of course, there’s my mother. She sent me a card reiterating that I should reach out to the environmental organizations in the area. I’ve already told her that I’m thinking about volunteering, but that’s not enough for her. She wants me to network. I hate networking. If I have to choose between networking and unemployment, I’ll take unemployment. I don’t know what I’d say to the various organizations even if I did reach out to them. “Hi, I’m young and trying to make a career in activism. Can you help me out?” I don’t want a job with one of those groups at the moment. I don’t believe that there’s anything wrong with taking a year or two to do other shit before returning to work in your chosen field. It’s not like there’s an expiration date on my masters degree or anything. Why do I not feel like networking? I just don’t want to, that’s why.
I used to dream very rarely, but these days, it’s almost every night. That’s frustrating. It’s hard to focus in your day-to-day life when you feel like your subconscious is trying really, really hard to tell you something. And in this case, there is usually some very obvious thematic or literal connection to my own life, so it’s not like I even have the pleasure of waking up and wondering what all that was supposed to mean. I know what it means. But I can’t shut it off.
You might have noticed that I blog slightly less frequently than I used to. That’s for the better, I think. It means that I am getting better at organizing my thoughts and shit. Only problem is, I find myself arguing with an empty room more and more because I don’t have a therapist any more. It was not exactly my decision to start seeing a therapist in the first place (I’ve been to two therapists in my life, and in the first case, my mother made me; in the second…well, that’s another story), but at least it was sort of my decision to end it. (In the sense that I was leaving New York very suddenly and didn’t feel like finding another therapist on the West Coast.) The problem with therapy is that there’s no definite answer as to when to end it. One friend of mine sees no need to end it. To her, it’s merely one more way to get herself to the next level. Go with what works, I guess. Mainly, I’m looking for flesh-and-blood people to share my time with. There just don’t seem to be that many of them out there at the moment.
This is completely random, but here is a video that I absolutely love. I know next to nothing about Islam or the Qur’an, but I know bigotry when I see it, so watching a Muslim take a self-righteous Christian a-hole down a peg is deeply satisfying. A friend of mine has an uber-conservative Christian grandmother who used to post offensive shit (Ann Coulter quotes, for example) on his timeline. When he responded to a quote that was deeply offensive to atheism with one that mocked Christianity, she threw a fit. I looked on in wonder. It’s like some people honestly have never faced the possibility that their shit stinks, too. You might be sweet and kind to your friends and family, but if you sincerely believe that Christianity is automatically better than all other forms of belief, fuck you. You don’t have to believe that Jesus said it to see the wisdom in the Golden Rule, and if you seriously believe that the shooting of Trayvon Martin had nothing to do with race, you are wrong.
It’s January, which means that there aren’t too many good movies out in theaters at the moment. There’s Inside Llewyn Davis, but I feel like I could wait for the DVD on that one. There’s The Wolf of Wall Street, but that one just looks like a white-collar version of Goodfellas. I’m sure it’s stylish and entertaining; I just don’t see why I need to see it. Wait a couple months and we’ll have The Grand Budapest Hotel and Veronica Mars. Maybe you are unfamiliar with the latter’s source material, but if you consider yourself a nerd, you must watch all three seasons of the TV show right now because OMG SO AMAZING
I can’t shut my brain off, people. I can’t really do anything except keep trying to dig in and hope that this time, I can escape the cycle of having the same fights with the people over and over and over again. There are few things more intimidating than an empty room. So let’s hope I can defeat this one. It’s not even my home, really, just a place I’m staying until I figure out where to go from here.