Things I Hate Doing, Part 6

6. Waiting

January and February tend to be the shitty months when it comes to movies. I used to go to the movies fairly regularly. Last year, I saw Thor, Ender’s Game, Life of Pi, Pacific Rim, Much Ado About Nothing, Catching Fire, Upstream Color, At Berkeley, Zero Dark Thirty, Django Unchained, GravityBlue Jasmine, 12 Years a Slave, and possibly one or two others that I’m forgetting. What is there to see now? I might see Inside Llewyn Davis if I can find a theater that’s still showing it. I would almost certainly like Her. The Lego Movie is supposed to be good, even if I’m not exactly pumped about it. And then there’s Frozen, which all of my musical theater and Disney friends are gushing about it. I’ll probably see it eventually.

Next month, The Grand Budapest Hotel comes out. Who wants to see that? If you didn’t raise your hand, something is wrong with you. A few weeks later, Veronica Mars comes out. You are not a proper geek if you are not excited for that. And a little after that, it’s Captain America. And while Game of Thrones is not a movie, it starts up again in early April. Fuck. Yes. What am I supposed to do until then? I don’t know. I guess I’ll just keep working my way through Elementary, Deep Space Nine, and The X-Files. There just ain’t much else out there right now, as far as entertainment is concerned.

5. Dealing With People

I’m pretty much always stressed out these days. This is hardly unusual, what with dealing with my employment and housing situation and all that. What’s really annoying is that even though I have so much free time on my hands, clearing enough space to focus on something like health care or just reading a good book remains tantalizingly difficult. So you can understand how much I hate it when people start fucking that up with all of their real world shit. Why, just this week, I was scheduled to work over 20 hours. Then I came into work and found out that my boss had cancelled one of my shifts because a drop in revenue had forced him to do so. For a guy with my limited income and prospects, that’s kind of a big deal. So instead of talking about that, I’ll talk about literature. What I went to grad school to study was essentially the intersection between science and policy. My goal was to become an analyst, so that I could explain heady concepts like climate change to the average Joe so that hopefully, they would be inspired to take action. My literary goals are somewhat the same.



William Shakespeare is widely regarded as the most important writer in the English language. He also loved a good dick joke. Seriously, when I can’t figure out what something in one of his plays means, I just assume it’s sexual. 99% of the time, I’m right. I’ve always had difficulty merging the highbrow with the lowbrow. When I was in eighth grade, I spent most of my spring break watching Shoah, a nine-and-a-half hour documentary about the Holocaust. It was good stuff, but slow and very, very heavy. Some kids made fun of me for shit like that. I liked high art, even as I never forgot the value of a good stoner comedy. But these days, it seems you can be only one or the other: an average Joe, or an elitist. And that’s a problem. Who says you can’t be both?

4. Having Too Many Options

Anyone who has ever had the whole day to themselves knows what this is like. You can watch anything on Netflix, so what the fuck do you want to watch? Spotify has thousands of songs and artists you’ve never gotten around to listening to, so where the fuck to begin? Circling back to the whole discussion about literature, I would like to share with you one of my favorite pieces by one of America’s great humorists, a man who never tried to be anything other than charmingly immature. I am, of course, referring to Dave Barry.

Good title.

Good title.

3. Looking for an Apartment

It looks like I’m going to have to start up on that again, and let me tell you, I am not exactly leaping at the chance. What kind of roommate am I going to end up with this time? A schizophrenic shapeshifter? A mad scientist who keeps severed body parts in the fridge and performs experiments on unwilling prostitutes? A sane, reasonable person who pays rent on time and stays the fuck out of my way? HAHAHAHAHAHAHA! That last one was a joke, obviously. Boy, sometimes I just crack myself up.

This video has nothing to do with anything.

2. Listening to People

This sort of ties in with #5. The main point here is that I hate people who hear only what they want to hear. One guy at my job just got promoted to shift lead. I’d say good for him, except I don’t like him all that much and everyone else seems to. You know the feeling. He’s friendly and enthusiastic, but kind of an asshole. Even before he made shift lead, he was prone to bossing me around. Whereas my managers and the other shift leaders will ask nicely when they want something, he just tells me to do it, and if I challenge him, then of course, I’m holding everyone up and not being a team player. Eventually, his inflated sense of self-importance will most likely bite him in the ass. It’s not like I never need any of the more-experienced/higher-ranking employees to correct me on shit, only that I prefer it when they wait for me to ask for help first as opposed to jumping in to answer a customer’s question that I actually knew the answer to just because it took me a second to remember. It’s not your store, dude, and I know the customers almost as well as you do. So, you know, show some respect.

1. Letting Go

I’m talking about revenge, which, unfortunately, most of us don’t get to exact. Steve Martin has the right idea, though. I mean, yes, forgiving and being nice is all well and good, but why try that when you can take over the world?


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