The Man in the Mirror

Let us talk, for a moment, about monogamy. There is a bit of a shift occurring in our culture. People are gradually beginning to realize that being in a committed relationship does not necessarily mean sexual exclusivity. This is great. As a general rule, I’m fine with just about any sex act or romantic arrangement so long as the participants are all consenting adults. Some people have multiple romantic partners, others have a primary one but swing, others are mostly monogamous but have the occasional three-way to spice things up (“monogamish”, to use Mr. Savage’s term)…you get the idea. But what about those of us who still want monogamy? What if you still buy into the romanticized (some would say conservative) idea of love, that being in a relationship, at least for you, also means keeping your hands off of anyone else?

I’ve never been in a relationship, but I favor monogamy, personally. My future boyfriend had better feel the same. I could probably compromise and be monogamish if he’s perfect in every other way and we trust each other, but that’s about it. What I grow tired of is people acting as if monogamy is a sexual orientation. No, it isn’t. Perhaps science just hasn’t explored it deeply enough, but while there is overwhelming evidence to suggest that your gender preference is something that you are literally born with, everything that I’ve read about monogamy vs. polygamy is that it’s a social construct. Homosexuality is very common in nature. Monogamy is not. I’ve heard some people claim that they absolutely could never be in a relationship unless it was strictly monogamous. I don’t believe them. I might be willing to listen if they said that yeah, they could do it, but they wouldn’t be happy about it. That’s fine. I don’t want to have sex with women, but I could. And my sexuality is hard-wired into me.

It’s funny. When I was in my early teens, I would have said that what I wanted more than anything was a boyfriend. Now it’s a decade later, and I still feel the same way. No matter how hard I try or how patiently I wait, it remains the one nut I am completely unable to crack.

I’m in kind of a rut as I write this. It’s a stupid thing to fixate on, but even though the page views have been going up over the past month or so, the number of page views per visitor is way down. People stop in, glance at one post, and go. That’s a problem. Also, I don’t seem to be getting as many likes and follows as I used to. How is my fragile ego supposed to heal itself when the world denies me such shallow gratification? I saw Frozen not too long ago and thought it was pretty good even though I’m not a huge Disney person. I think it’s cool that Disney has evolved from telling stories in which the women are largely damsels in distress (though not entirely without agency) to stories in which the prince is almost tangential and the central relationship is between two sisters. The animation was good (especially the ice palace), the comic relief was fairly well done, and I like both of the lead actresses, so yeah, I think I’ll give this one my stamp of approval. If you haven’t seen it yet, go ahead. Now I have an excuse to post this.

I’ve gone from feeling lethargic all of the time to feeling anxious too much of the time. Nothing can happen fast enough. Neil Gaiman said that the best way to deal with introversion and social awkwardness is to marry someone who doesn’t have those problems. Unfortunately, Jeremy Renner turned me down, so maybe I should try Grindr.

I have a lot of stuff sitting around my room that I haven’t gotten around to using. These past six months or so, I’ve found myself buying books and DVDs and other shit that I have neither the energy nor the inclination to watch/read/whatever in the near future, but need anyway just to get that buzz from having something new. Obviously, that gets old real fast, but the thing about patience is that it takes a long time to develop. I went out to eat a while ago and my food didn’t come on time. The waiter explained to me that he forgot to put my order through because the air conditioner or ventilator or something overhead was leaking and he was having difficulty concentrating. So he apologized and gave me my meal for free. I didn’t mind. I’d brought a newspaper and had nowhere to be. Some things just don’t bug me as much as they bug other people. But when I text a friend and they don’t text me back, even if they’re lying in the hospital after an emergency appendectomy, I get FURIOUS. I’m trying not to take that personally, but the thing is, I almost always respond to messages promptly. Even when I have other shit going on.

It’s weird. My year in grad school feels like it happened in another lifetime. I’m starting to wonder if I’ll see any of those people again. Okay, I’ll probably see a couple, but God, it’s been just over nine months since I graduated, and mostly, what I’ve done since then is fail in interesting ways. Actually, that was what I did when I was in grad school, but at least then, I feel like I was a little bit more organized. My dreams are as crazy as they’ve ever been. I wish I knew what to do with them.

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