Ghost Light

I’m in something of an impatient mood as I write this. You see, I’ve been tinkering with this post for some time, and I can’t seem to get it right. I wrote one half, saved it, wrote the second half, then deleted the first. So let’s see if we can get the first part right. You will probably be able to tell where the break came in. Anyway, here goes nothing:

I often find myself in the stressful position of being unable to ground myself. I have hopes and dreams and all that, but since I have no idea how to make all of that shit a reality, I spend far too much time daydreaming. I don’t like daydreaming. Some people can spend all day doing that, but I can’t. On the flip side, I don’t seem very good at establishing lasting connections with people, and it’s probably because I schedule everything arbitrarily in my head. I don’t go out with friends all that often, yet when I do, I have an annoying tendency to fret about all of the supposedly “productive” shit I could be getting done, such as reading or watching movies or applying for jobs and shit. There is a part of my brain that thinks that if it does not culturally enrich me or provide me with income, it’s worthless. And that kind of thinking really has to stop.

(Random thought: I am starting to get really, really tired of Upworthy. A lot of the shit that gets shared on there is legitimately awesome, but something about it is starting to feel like Buzzfeed, in that everything is specifically designed to get as many shares or “likes” on social media as possible. For this, I want to burn all my devices and go live out in the woods. At the same time, I want to better understand how DVDs and mp3 players work so that I can someday be one of those “tech-savvy” people. I…have a complicated relationship with technology.)

I’ve mentioned this before, but I think the best way to get over feeling “different” isn’t to be like everybody else, but to realize that you are different, and that that’s not a bad thing. I was about seven or eight when I started having existential crises. I’m sure I’m not the first person to wonder about the meaning of life, but I’ll wager most people at least make it until their age is in the double digits before they start fretting about death and waiting anxiously for the night to come so they can go to sleep and escape all of the dread and horror before waking up and facing it again. Depression isn’t fun. It takes time to climb out of that slump. I slip sometimes, but I believe that it might be possible, if not to escape the cycle of highs and lows, at least to own them a little better. Life can’t be a nonstop orgasm. But it doesn’t have to be like this all the time either.

I feel the need to turn this one around and talk about something that’s a little less introspective, if not exactly more positive. So let’s talk about Congress. What amazes me about politics in this country is how slowly everything changes. The Republicans are still up in arms in Benghazi and…nobody cares. Seriously, nobody. Cares. At all. We’ve moved on, but this is how it always feels with any problem, isn’t it? You just want to move on and live your life and do shit, and they keep dragging you down. Hell, I was just listening to a recent This American Life episode about death and taxes, and from the sounds of things, that’s how cancer feels, too. Basically, you keep wondering why the hell you should have to deal with this, and all you can hope for is that if you make it through, you won’t have to go down this road again. Strangely enough, the pollsters are still predicting that the Republicans will retain control of the House come midterms. How the fuck is that even possible? Aside from almost destroying the government, they haven’t accomplished jack shit in the last two years. And don’t give me any of this “Democrats are just as bad” shit, because they aren’t, and you know it.

It’s starting to dawn on me that I don’t want to spend my whole life writing. I have every intention of continuing to do this shit for a long, long time, but I’m not sure if it’s what I was put on this Earth to do. It’s fine as a side project. I just don’t know what I want my main pursuit to be. I keep thinking I want to rediscover my practical side, that part of me that gets math and science and can see a problem as a puzzle rather than a theoretical quandary. Maybe it’s not in my nature to see things that way. But I have to challenge myself. So maybe I’ll just walk right up to the divide, then park my ass there and stay where I am. Because I have a lot of work to do. And if I stick to what I already know and understand, I will never get it done.

I’m still young. That can’t last forever, but maybe the feeling of always facing forward can. For me, nostalgia is not so much the feeling of wanting to go back and relive the glory days as wanting to go back and do it all over again, except better. I’m a perfectionist that way. More than that, I’m the kind of guy who always feels as if the good times are passing him by. There are people at my workplace who started there after I did, yet are already hanging out with other people there and talking about the good times they’ve had or people they hung out with who don’t even work there. There is a world beyond the espresso machine. I know that. I’m just trying to find people to share it with. Maybe I should try online dating.

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