A Pain That I’m Used To

I’m having pretty mixed feelings right now. On one hand, the agency that I just applied to for housing rejected me, which means I’m back on the market. Oh, joy. And yeah, I suppose there is shit happening right now that isn’t 100% horrible, but since this blog is not for me to bask in things that are going well, I think it’s time for me to talk about the shit. And man, is there a lot of it.

My mother just moved back in. I’m not going to detail all of my grievances with my parents. If you’re not aware of that yet, browse the archives, because I’m just not interested in talking about it anymore. No, they don’t beat me or emotionally terrorize me. I just don’t like being around them. The whole atmosphere is stifling. I need my own goddamn place. I’m tired of having dinner with them just because you’re supposed to have dinner with your family, and are you really going to say no to this nice meal Mommy cooked for you? At this point in my life, I almost can. Up until recently, I thought I could be out within a few weeks. But not anymore.

I don’t like apartment hunting. I don’t like responding to Craigslist ads, commuting to the place, shaking hands with people you met on the internet and then trying to convince them that you’re better than the other people who are looking. Guys, I am what I am. If you don’t feel like giving me the place, there’s just nothing I can do about that. And I really am an awesome roommate. Hell, even Psycho Queens Guy told me that, and he’s a psycho! (That same night, he threatened to kill me. Long story.) I’m pretty sure the reason I got rejected for this last place is that I don’t make enough money. See, they want somebody who is respectable and hard-working, not some lowly barista. It wasn’t even my prospective roommate’s decision, but the landlord’s. Fuck him.

I’ve had shitty roommates. I’ve had more shitty roommates than most people have had sex partners. And I’m getting really tired of it. I’m getting tired of getting passed up for people who are less responsible and less tidy than I am just because, I don’t know, maybe they’re better than talking the talk. I’m trying not to let this get me down, trying not to hold onto my anger. But I really had high hopes for this place. And I’ve been looking for a while. At one point, I even tried responding to the same ad twice from two different email addresses because the place looked like such a perfect fit. Guess how that turned out?

Maybe housing is a seller’s market right now. Maybe maybe maybe. I don’t care. Some people want to be in a relationship just to escape the dating scene. Unfortunately, it doesn’t work that way. It sucks, but it doesn’t. All I know is that I feel like I’m getting sandwiched. I have freedoms I never asked for (now we have a second car!) and don’t have freedoms that I would very much like, such as the ability to use the kitchen whenever I want. It’s frustrating, and don’t pretend you can’t figure out why. It’s amazing how oblivious people can be to something that is staring them right in the face, and no, I’m not just talking about my parents there.

I started reading The God Delusion recently but had to put it aside because I find Dawkins’ tone insufferable. He’s one of those people I find myself agreeing with and wanting to smack at the same time. At one point, he says, “Pantheism is sexed-up atheism.” Fuck you. Einstein was a pantheist, more or less. He did not believe in an interventionist god, an immortal soul or the power of prayer, but considered order and beauty of creation to be, in a sense, godlike. If you believe that, you’re not an atheist. It really is that simple. If there is anything that you believe in that you consider divine or that invokes spiritual feelings, you are not an atheist. Because that’s not what atheism means. I am not an atheist. If the only two boxes are “Believer” and “Non-Believer”, I check the latter, but if there is one thing I want people to understand here, it’s that “Do you believe in God?” is not a yes-or-no question. I find religion in any conventional sense to be unconvincing, which is why I spend more time listening to Tim Minchin than The Newsboys (although I will admit that “Entertaining Angels” is a damn catchy little tune). It’s not that I hate religion, just that I think that most of what passes for spiritual belief these days is a vast oversimplification. So I don’t think I’ll be reading the rest of The God Delusion.

(Tangentially, I would like to say that while there are many who would say about Hitchens exactly what I just said about Dawkins, I don’t agree. Hitchens was a funny motherfucker, and he always threw in just enough self-awareness or even self-deprecation to keep me on his side. So I will probably read god is Not Great at some point. Also, did you know that Hitchens was good friends with Francis Collins? Fucking crazy.)

It’s a dangerous thing to say, but I think there is such a thing as atheist posturing. I say “dangerous” because I know there are folks who will take that to mean that non-believers don’t really not believe and that we are all just lost and confused. Bullshit. But since “atheist” is a dirty word to so many people, I think that there are some folks who say that the Bible is a load of fairy tales just to piss people off. (I do think it’s a load of fairy tales, but I also don’t see why I should care if somebody believes it’s not.) It’s not all random, you know. Just mostly.


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