Mixed Nuts

There’s an article I read a while back that I can’t seem to locate again. It was an absolutely gorgeous and off-the-hook rant by a gay guy who was sick to death of all the flaming faggots on Grindr, Craigslist, and OKCupid who can’t stop talking about how masculine they are. I’ve addressed this topic before. The term “straight-acting” needs to be hit on the head with a shovel and thrown into an unmarked grave. Please stop defining yourself in terms of what you aren’t. Just stop. And anyway, why is that all that unique? I probably know more straight musical theater queens than gay musical theater queens, and believe me, I know a lot of musical theater queens. If you were really straight-acting, you wouldn’t be hyper-masculine, but somewhat masculine with a few feminine traits thrown in. Because that’s how straight guys are.

Hate the show, but I will concede that some of the cast members were/are quite talented.

Hate the show, but I will concede that some of the cast members were/are quite talented.

I think what really drives me nuts about the whole thing is how selective supposedly “straight-acting” gay guys are. They might wear stylish underwear, use product on their hair, and hang out almost exclusively with other gay guys (with a couple of token straight men thrown in for balance) and still talk about how they’re “not like those other gays”. Because as long as there is one stereotype that you don’t conform to, you can’t be stereotypical, right? Honestly, I don’t get it. If people don’t know you’re gay until you tell them, does that make you less gay than all those other gays? It’s gotten so prevalent that any day now, I expect to hear somebody say, “I love fashion and Glee. I’m totally not like all those other gays!”

In case it’s not obvious, online dating is getting to me. Really, really, really getting to me. On the plus side, it has provided me with some killer masturbatory fodder.

I try to resist the urge to be a troll, believe it or not, but sometimes, my mouth gets the better of me. People tell me they admire me for speaking my mind, but the thing nobody tells you about that is that speaking your mind, admirable or not, can really get you in trouble sometimes. And sometimes, it’s not even that admirable. I don’t know what I’m accomplishing by messaging random guys on online dating sites to let them know I find their profiles obnoxious. Seriously, why would anyone do that except to be an asshole? It’s not like they’re going to stop being an asshole just because I told them they’re being an asshole. (Who am I to judge other people’s assholery, you ask? Why, I’m the Robot King, the biggest asshole of them all.)

There was a time when I might have gotten a little thrill out of people telling me, “Wow, you’re gay? I had no idea!” But I grew out of that a long, long time ago, and even then, it wasn’t really the core of my identity. I do generally prefer the conventionally masculine men to femme ones, but that’s a preference, not a hard and fast rule, and trust me, there are a LOT of exceptions. Essentially, people want to have it both ways. They want to believe that there is something different and special about them, but they still want to feel like they’re just one of the guys. But you aren’t straight, dude. You may act straight, but some straight guys aren’t straight-acting, which is part of the reason that word is so poisonous. It feeds into an ideal that the reality can never possibly match. You can always be just a little more masculine, can’t you? And really, what is gayer than a man working overtime to affirm his masculinity?

Ian McKellen was right when he said that there are good gays and bad gays. Of course, he wasn’t the first person to say that, but the whole “We’re not so different” thing doesn’t ever get old, does it? The one thing that online dating has caused me to contemplate is just how many of these people I know in real life. Being the introverted misanthrope that I am, I don’t generally go out of my way to learn about the lives of my coworkers, colleagues, friends, family members, sex partners, or anyone who isn’t me. So it’s possible that I knew a lot of people like the morons I run into on the internet when I was in college or high school. Then again, it’s possible that I didn’t. I didn’t hang out in a lot of the popular hangout spots when I was in college. I didn’t join any fraternities. So maybe I actually did manage to avoid a lot of the douchebags. (Not that all frat boys are dbags, just a lot of them. The ones I knew were generally okay.)

I don’t understand this obsession with coming out. You do it once, and then you move on. Yes, Harvey Milk did say that the most important thing any queer person could do was come out, but it’s really the context that matters, isn’t it? You’re not doing it so you can admire everyone’s surprised faces and you aren’t doing it so that you can keep declaring your sexuality over and over again every day of your life, but so that people can see you as a normal individual and not some alien freak. Don’t play it up, don’t play it down, just play it. And with that out of the way, I think I’ll take a few days off of blogging. Enjoy this funny video. If you’re a D&D geek like me, it should be right up your alley. Just don’t get me started on bottom shame.


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